During that night, as I was alone in my room. A sudden enviness overwhelmed me. I was thinking, why was she always getting all the good things in life. Nice supportive parents/family I supposed. A happy disposition in life. Exuding in confidence. Me, a nerd who could not even defend myself with simple things. Could not even decide to buy a simple dress for myself. Not happy with anything about myself.
Since then, I was always thinking about it everyday. My mind could not control it anymore. And suddenly, i had a nervous breakdown. My heart was pumping so fast. My mind was so full of guilt, enviness, hatred, bitterness, fears, worries etc etc. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
I couldn’t tell my mother, because i was afraid that instead of giving me love and understanding, she would instead blame me or question me how come I was in that situation. I felt I was dying. I was just in a situation that I was just waiting for my heart to stop and just die. I couldn’t eat and sleep well. I was only able to sleep 2 hours each night. I lost weight. My mother noticed that I was getting thinner. I just told her that I was just dieting and was anxious of the coming board review and exam.
This was the hardest time of my life. Nobody knew that I was slowly dying mentally, emotionally and physically. To top it all, it started when I was about to start my board review. I was attending review classes but my heart and mind were very far away. I was really sick and needed medical and emotional help so badly. But I didn’t know how to tell it to my mother. I never remember her to be a caring, loving and understanding mother. How would she accept a daughter who is a loser like me.
My mother is someone who likes to be always praised by her friends and relatives. It’s a no no to her to have her friends and relatives knows that she has a problem. Whenever there was a problem in the family, something not good to hear or know about, she would tell us ” don’t tell that to our friends and relative because it’s so embarrassing ” She’s so particular with what other people might say. She would really keep everything within the family at all cost just to save her face from any negative comments and embarrassment.
Moreso, I thought, how could mother accept my situation if I tell her. How could she accept that she has a daughter who’s about to lose her mind. So, I kept everything to myself. Until one night, I really experienced that worst time of my life. I felt my heart was gonna burst as it was pumping so hard and fast. So, I decided to tell my mother the following day.
I just told her that my chest was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe properly and I was really having a hard time. Reluctantly, without a sign of concern she took me to a cardiologist. I had an ECG. The doctor was so surprised to see the result. My heart was pumping too fast. Uncontrollably. He checked my heart. As the doctor and I were alone in the ECG room. He asked me if I have a problem. Maybe, he knew what I was going through. He Just dont’ want to pop up the real questions. I told him that I was just anxious about my coming board exam. As I was so afraid my mother would know my real problem.
Up to this moment, I am still thinking, what if I had told my mother about it, perhaps she would have understood me. Or maybe, it could have changed her for the better as a mother. Maybe, if I had only given her a chance to know me, my problem, she would have repented and be the mother we want her to be.
Going back to my problem. The doctor just gave me a medication that would reduce my heart rate. It helps a little. But I told myself it’s better than nothing. Since, I was alone with my battle, I turned to God. Everyday, I ask God to heal me miraculously. I cried to Him everynight. But my problem became worst and worst each day. With no adequate sleep and lost of appetite, suddenly they took a toll in my mental health. I suddenly hear audible voices, telling me so many things to do. I was so afraid and yet I was so afraid to tell my parents. I knew I needed help but I didn’t have the strength to do it.
I cried out to God again that night. I knew God heard my prayers. As if somebody had whispered to me that says ” when you hear those voices again, shift your attention /mind to other beautiful and worthwhile things” So I did it. When i heard those voices again ” I tried my best to think of things I will do when I pass the board. I dream of marrying a tall, dark and homesome guy and have beautiful children. I will be the best mother in the whole world. Will teach my kids to be God fearing” . With lots of prayers and God’s helping hand I was able to overcome those voices and they left.
Little by little, I was able to calm down my mind. But still my heart was pumping quite fast. I didn’t stop praying day after day, night after night. Unceasingly, I prayed every moment that I have time, as if there is no tomorrow. And I knew God heard all my crying again, as my heart slowly shows some positive signs. Slowly but surely, I felt my heart was going to be ok…and it did…
Who would have thought what I had been through. It’s the darkest moment of my life. I thank God, He helped me won this battle. I knew God loves me so much and saw all my tears.
After this ordeal, I felt I was now a stronger person. I felt that whatever trials I might encounter in the future, I felt I could weather them all. Now, I know the truth about what was said in the bible, that God will only give us problems that He knows we can carry. And we must do our best to learn from that experienced.
Now, whenever I have a problem, I just switched my mind to this experience of mine. I just tell myself, if I had survived that nervous breakdown thing, why can’t I this time. Problems seem to be so easy now for me to handle after this. God is good, I learned how to be strong now. As the saying goes, we encounter difficulties because God wants us to be a better and stronger person. And this experience bacame my stronghold everytime I face all sorts of problems.
As the board exam was nearing, some companies came to our review school and gave us test. Whoever will pass the test, they will hire immediately. The company was one of the most prestigious engineering companies in the Philippines. Just like the training ground of would be engineers. They only get the best of the best. Such a privileged to be taken in.
Luckily, and because of God’s intervention and inspite of the torture and mental anguished I have been through, I passed the employment test. I was so happy because my college performance was just average. Never been a dean’s lister. A lot of my classmates were congratulating me. They told me that it was a sure sign that I could pass the actual board exam. I was so elated as I passed all the succeeding interviews and exams as well.
Truly God is good, He allowed me to passed the board exam. Considering the torment that I went through and it happened during my review period. I know God saw the pureness of my heart and the faith I have with Him that He allowed me to pass the board exam. Throughout those difficult times I remained an obedient daughter.
I really felt I was a winner. God is so good…..
